Clouds

Today was a cloudy day.
That usually means a wasted day, and that’s exactly how it was.
It was really, *really* windy in the morning as well, which sent fall leaves flying everywhere and caused a few black-outs in the city.

I finished my Zinestiria piece and I’m pretty happy with how it turned out! It took me a bit of effort to scan it, and CMYK killed a couple colors11Stupid CMYK killed the top of my pretty indigo/dark blue sky *sob*, but I’m confident it will look pretty when printed in the zine :) Also the rest of the entries are looking *so good* so far, I can’t wait!

Besides that, I cleaned my laptop keyboard a bit (and broke the left Ctrl key when trying to take it out for cleaning underneath “Orz) and doodled a bit.

I’m trying to avoid the negatives on my daily posts as to not focus on them when looking back, since I tend to fixate when I’m in a dark mood and binge reading old and depressing journal entries is not unheard of.12Depressive mood: ‘Let’s go read all the bad things you’ve gone through and re-grieve! :D”. Yeah… no. While there is a lot to be learned about one’s shortcomings and failures, we are already predisposed to remember the bad instead of the good, so highlighting the good and talking a bit about whatever idea occupies my mind seems like a better idea when it comes to archival purposes.

I’m old.13compared to the people I hang online with lately, not in general!
I’m turning 35 this year.
Even though I may look and act 10 years younger, at the end of the day I have more experience and understanding of things than when I was 10 years younger.
I get to interact a lot with younger people than me lately because of fandom, and it’s… a funny experience. I relate a lot to them but I also feel the age gap often.
Sometimes it’s funny and endearing, sometimes it makes me shake my head and think ‘kids…’, and every now and then I go ‘I’m too old for this shit…’ and feel like an Adult(tm). Which is weird, since I’ve always been the baby, the immature one among my peers… I guess it stops counting when you start hanging out with people that are 7-10+ years younger than you, haha ^^;

The thing with being old is that you start seeing things in a more detached way, sometimes. Things tend to affect you less 14Unless you’re in a bad mood. Then everything affects you and you’re back to being an emo teen. and you hopefully become a bit more objective.
…That or my stoicism studies have been catching up and I’m actually applying what I’ve been learning for once! Which is good. being affected by everything around me is exhausting.

While I am less affected by things in general nowadays 15Only when doing well mentally, tho…, I’m still a very non confrontational person. I shy away from conflict and drama, don’t take hard stances in favor or against things or people because I’m mostly scared of people lashing out.
I am weak.
And that’s not ideal, but… I think, ultimately, it’s okay to be weak.
There’s always this expectation that you have to be strong, courageous,  have unshakeable beliefs, be abled, be ambitious, be a winner, be an adventurer and conquer the world and reach all the dreams and goals… But not all of us are made that way.
It’s okay to be weak. It’s okay to be flexible.
It’s okay to stay where you are if that makes you happy. It’s okay to not chase after conquering the world if that only makes you miserable.
It’s okay to leave the fight to others that are better suited for certain battles.
And it’s okay to be weak today to work towards being strong tomorrow, if that’s your thing too.

Not all of us are or want to be the Hero, some of us are content being NPCs.
Just don’t be a half-assed NPC, though; do your best at whatever it is you choose to and can do :)