Man, this new WP editor is weird… but I like it visually way better.
I’m not supposed to blog about bad things, so I won’t, but I will write about my state of mind lately.
I am taking a gigantic break from SNS. I say I’m not in hermit mode, but I am; mostly because interacting with people makes me start ruminating about shit, and when I’m hermiting I don’t really have anything to talk about. I also decided to step away bc I’m burnt out from art and I need to stop comparing myself to others.
NOW THE ISSUE IS… my brain decided it was time to start doing that shit with VN development. I’m glad I’m not following anybody right now, but whenever I stumble upon something, either randomly or bc I’m looking up stuff, my brain switches from “appreciation” mode to “comparison” mode really fast. It didn’t use to do that, but since I’m avoiding it for art, I guess it found the next best thing.
I suspect this is an already unhealthy validation seeking mechanism gone wrong; my sense of worth has always been tied to being better than others (something something spoiled, gifted, only child raised by an elitist family), so looking down on people has been my go-to method of feeling better about myself. WHICH IS SHITTY AF. It used to work back in the days bc I was always a big fish in a small pond, but the bigger the pond gets with time, the smaller I get, so that coping mechanism backfires and makes me feel worthless.
I think that’s could be a big reason why I’ve been feeling like this for years?
“I’m not better than others, I’m not part of the smartest or the most talented or the most whatever, so what’s the point? What am I good for? Why do I even bother existing?”
It is a very sick way of thinking, yet I’m pretty sure that’s one of my core issues.
ON A LIGHTER NOTE…!
Mom just called me and was musing about traveling to Uruguay for a month to look after a friend’s apartment.
Because she can’t leave my aunt lol Though, tbh, it would be good for her to leave for a month…
I’d have to leave Yenna with mom for a month, since she’d be miserable home alone with husband without me, but she can deal if she’s surrounded by mom’s dogs.
Should stop procrastinating and go work on logos…