Keeping on

Keeping on

Man, this new WP editor is weird… but I like it visually way better.

I’m not supposed to blog about bad things, so I won’t, but I will write about my state of mind lately.

I am taking a gigantic break from SNS. I say I’m not in hermit mode, but I am; mostly because interacting with people makes me start ruminating about shit, and when I’m hermiting I don’t really have anything to talk about. I also decided to step away bc I’m burnt out from art and I need to stop comparing myself to others.
NOW THE ISSUE IS… my brain decided it was time to start doing that shit with VN development. I’m glad I’m not following anybody right now, but whenever I stumble upon something, either randomly or bc I’m looking up stuff, my brain switches from “appreciation” mode to “comparison” mode really fast. It didn’t use to do that, but since I’m avoiding it for art, I guess it found the next best thing.

I suspect this is an already unhealthy validation seeking mechanism gone wrong; my sense of worth has always been tied to being better than others (something something spoiled, gifted, only child raised by an elitist family), so looking down on people has been my go-to method of feeling better about myself. WHICH IS SHITTY AF. It used to work back in the days bc I was always a big fish in a small pond, but the bigger the pond gets with time, the smaller I get, so that coping mechanism backfires and makes me feel worthless.
I think that’s could be a big reason why I’ve been feeling like this for years?

“I’m not better than others, I’m not part of the smartest or the most talented or the most whatever, so what’s the point? What am I good for? Why do I even bother existing?”

It is a very sick way of thinking, yet I’m pretty sure that’s one of my core issues.

ON A LIGHTER NOTE…!

Mom just called me and was musing about traveling to Uruguay for a month to look after a friend’s apartment.
Not her.
Me.
Because she can’t leave my aunt lol Though, tbh, it would be good for her to leave for a month…
I’d have to leave Yenna with mom for a month, since she’d be miserable home alone with husband without me, but she can deal if she’s surrounded by mom’s dogs.

Anyway…

Should stop procrastinating and go work on logos…

Old feelings

I didn’t draw today.
Also, I’ve edited this post like 30 times in the last 4 hours, because I either keep rambling or say too many downer things.1Why, hello, anxiety!

I finally stopped procrastinating on buying the wedding rings! I did it! I bought a nice pair of silver and gold rings that will be engraved with our names and wedding date by next week! :D
I also got myself a new roll of blue masking tape and a delicious ice cream <3

Of course my brain decided the whole thing was enough mental effort for today, so that was mostly it for today.
I managed to mail the cake person today about a quote, though! And had a good chat with a good friend.

I… keep things in for a long time.
It is a thing with me. I rarely ever let things go, good or bad, when it comes to people; I remember fondly all the people I loved or enjoyed hanging out with, I keep interpersonal regrets forever and I also tend to hold (small, petty) grudges till the end of time. 2I think I’ve only ever grown indifferent towards one person in my whole life. One. I often forget this person even exists, tbh.

I’ve learned with time that my feelings are on me, though. The people that provoked them are in no way responsible for them, let alone of the fact that I hold on to them; in fact, it’s actually very likely that the people I may have had issues with in the past don’t even care about me at all anymore or maybe they don’t even remember me! So, it’s rather pointless to keep those negative feelings, even if they’re just only mildly negative.
The regrets, however… those are harder to let go.

I’ve noticed that most of the time, though, my issues come not from what people have ‘done’ to me, but from my own insecurities being reflected and sometimes amplified back to me, triggered by whatever it is that happened. And when I’m hurt for being disappointed by people I cared about, in the end it also comes back to me as I question my own judgement and behavior about why and how I choose to get close to certain people.
So, when looking at everything, it’s all on me and what *I* feel, think and do, and not on the people those feelings are associated with.

Been thinking about that.
It’s actually a bit easier to let things go when you realize most of the stuff comes from yourself anyway.