Excited and frightened (life update – long!)
Posted by Deji on 11/27/2009 01:39 pm
This is mostly a picture-less life life update, so you can skip it if you want :3
Oh! btw I commissioned a lovely artist on dA to paint me a Vinca. I’m so happy <3
I’ll post pictures when it arrives! 
So!
Diet’s worst part is nearing its end. I’ve lost around 4kg… I think. My scales are kind of broken, so I can’t really tell D: At least the size of my tummy has been reduced, and that makes me a happy Deji ^___^ Second part is a less strict diet (just a no-no list) I have to keep for 2 more weeks, so I don’t get back the weight I lost. I’m really happy about this! My stomach hates me and demands pasta, bread, milk and chocolate, though >>;;;
My manga class is nearing its end. next week is the last class. I have the 5 pages sketched, now I need to trace them and ink them. I have to mail one inked page to my teacher before next Friday and that’s pretty much it xD; I’m going to finish the 5 pages I sketched, though. Not the whole story, because is long (like everything I come up with, really >>; ). Being done with my manga class means being done with college classes. Forever. Yay! I’m going to miss being a student though D: I’ve missed it this whole year, actually, due the reduced number of classes I was taking )=.
Now my internship ends next Friday as well. I’m happy it’ll be over, but I’m also sad. This internship thing gave me a reason to get up early every morning, get out of the house, walk, dress decently, feel like a grown up person who was useful to society. I’m going to miss my Boss and the ladies at the office too ;__;
I now have to hand the evaluation for to my boss and make a report of my Internship experience. I haven’t written a report since…. can’t remember! xD;;; I have until Jan 12th to hand it, so I have plenty of time :3
And today, since I’m done with most things college, I went to talk to my career coordinator and nag him to give me a date for my diploma project exam thingie. He asked if I was sure if I wanted to do it now, as I couldn’t even remember the name of my project XDDD; I haven’t touched the written thing in almost two years, so I seriously don’t remember xDD;
He gave me his mail so I could nag him to get me a date.
If I have a date this month, it means I’ll have to work on Astrea@ X___X;;; I lost the original rpy files when I changed hard drives >>; I’m a failure xD; I’m not sure I’ll have to code the demo again, though. It worked just fine last time I checked.
I will have to work on the 3 event CGs and the BG I’m missing, though. Maybe a couple of sprites… but that shouldn’t take me more than… 3-4 days. Working seriously.
Speaking of working seriously, I’ll be working non stop on the remaining art for The Flower Shop. That means…. 2 sprites and 3-4 event CGs. They shouldn’t take me long, but, again, I’ve said that for a year and I’m still not done >>; I’m going to get serious this month. Seriously! >O
Starting on january I’ll be working fulltime for Mystery Parfait, for our Flight of Twilight project. Like a regular job, just from home. I’ll have to have learned how to manage my time properly when I’m at home by that time xDD;
I’m also working on other projects with Ayu Sakata (Sake-bento) *very* on and off. We’re excited :3
(I’ll post about them once I’m done with some stuff we’re doing)
Now… what am I frightened about? (rant ahead )
I’m scared of failure. I’m so close to finish things that I’m scared I’ll ruin everything, so I just want to hide under my bed and wait until there’s nothing I can do, so I don’t have to *face* failure.
It’s stupid, itsn’t it XD?
I’ve always been scared of failure, of not being able to do things right, of not knowing what to do, of being given a bad mark. I’d rather skip a test or miss a deadline and get the lowest mark than go there with a defective thing or perform poorly and have to face rejection. I rather not go somewhere and do something I have to do than having people look at me and ask stupid things or talk nonsense. I rather drop a project than deliver something unfinished, unpolished or something I don’t like.
I’m coward and stupid like that.
Even if everything goes well (I’m sure it will), I ‘m scared of what’s going to be of me next year after I’m done with college. Will I be able to find a job? Will I be able to make a living out of drawing? The future is here and I’m unprepared and scared as hell D: I’m scared and I want to hide under my bed
…just like I was when I graduated from highschool
…just like I was when I dropped my first career
… just like I was when cram school was over and I had to choose a new career
… just like I was when I dropped that second career when everybody had high expectations of me.
Somebody told me once that being scared of what’s ahead of you in life is a good thing. It’s probably a sign that you’re on the right path.Then you overcome that fear and grow up as a person ^^
Now it’s time to focus on what I have in front of me: December, January and February.
The rest will come when it comes.
Anyway, good luck with your lives!
Wish me luck on mine !
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November 27th, 2009 at 3:53 pm
Yay~ you’re almost done~!
Despite being scared, I hope you can get through with this somehow~! You’re almost done after all~ ^o^
I share some of the same scared sentiments that you do. 8D; Only.. I don’t consider skipping out or withdrawing as a option unless a real emergency comes up (..which hasn’t yet).
I’m also glad your diet gave you results! __o;
November 28th, 2009 at 9:21 pm
Hey, it’s okay to be scared. If you don’t even worry about things like that, that’s probably a sign that you’re not taking things seriously. But you should have the courage to carry on. Especially since I think giving up is a bigger failure than not doing as well as you think you should.
Many years ago, I used to play piano frequently for competitions, high level evaluations, etc. It freaked me out pretty badly, especially since you always had to memorize your piece so there was never any music to help you if you screwed up. But my teacher told me that the greatest victory is to keep playing, even after you slip up. You can miss a note, or even a whole section, but if you keep playing, then you’re still making music. Don’t give up. Even with the mistakes, you can still create something beautiful.
November 29th, 2009 at 12:45 pm
@Kari & sakecchi: thanks a lot for the encouragement, guys <3333